::@:: Reality of Dreams ::@::

Sometimes I am in a drawing mood, other a painting, or on occasion a poetic mood. Tonight however it was a writing mood, a rare thing (probably inspired by the news from a friend). So I decided to try and write something very short and a bit different. It weighs in at just under 2400 words and is in the form of a diary, which is a it odd I admit (actually its probably not that odd but it is for me).

I’m not that sure that it really works as a story but it was worth a shot especially for an evenings work. One real problem is that it doesn’t have an ending as such, I just couldn’t figure out how to wrap up the month, perhaps you good people could give some advice in that regard, or I may leave it open.

Enjoy… if you can

 

A plausible month from the possible diary of, perhaps, a man

Wednesday 1^st September

Well, I am back writing this again. I never thought I’d put finger to keyboard again and write a personal diary again. Funny how we decide to do such random things. I guess I hope that one day I will look back and laugh at my past exploits and silly fears, or that one day I’ll be dead and famous and these sell for a mint.

One can but dream and hope.

Typically, today was a dull day with work and my friends in the evening for a couple of drinks. S had just been dumped by his girlfriend, of course he had no idea why, it could be that he is an arrogant misogynist of a man and really not many women he has met can put up with him for long, certainly not in a relationship. Needless to say S was well gone by even 10pm, not a good state of affairs, I won’t be surprised if he has to call in sick tomorrow.

Thursday 2^nd September

S called in sick, the boss seemed furious, guess he must have known, or found out, that it was alcohol induced and not a cold.

Arranged to meet up with some friends on Saturday for a meal, a movie, and more than a few drinks. Should be a laugh.

Friday 3^rd September

I need a new job, our bosses boss sent an email round saying that due to a drop in productivity our normal flexi-time system would be temporally suspended until our figures improved! The air turned blue for more than a few minutes. Then came the mass of emails, phone calls, frantic riffling through contracts, not a single piece of work got done the entire day. Some didn’t bother coming back after lunch either as a protest, or more likely as they were already blindly drunk.

You’d think this wouldn’t be a big deal, but our department is very loose almost all of us come in late, take almost no lunch, and leave late a few days in the week so we have most of Friday off. Some even come in earlier so they can leave early to pick up their kids, although that’s the minority in the office.

Needless say I was one of those who took the afternoon off. All for all and one for one, or whatever that stupid musketeers quote is.

Saturday 4^th September

That a good night, seven or my friends and I went to a nice Thai restaurant for tea. Its a nice small place its usually booked up so I was really chuffed we managed to get a booking. The food was to die for, T who has been to Thailand, which made him the brunt of many an ill tasting joke at the office for a week or so after he came back, was even impressed.

The movie was a piece of crap about some lawyers trying to convict a nun, who wasn’t a nun, but it wasn’t really about that it was about one of the jurors! Whoever thought up that crap needs to visit the Bettyy Fords clinic and get clean. At least it was bad enough we could tear it to shreds at the pub.

Its 3am now, time for bed.

Sunday 5^th September:

I saw her again tonight, well, I suppose I can’t really stop seeing her. She is a friend after all and I enjoy being her friend, but why does the merest sight of her seem to leave me hurting for hours afterwards?

Listen to me drivelling on, you would think I could focus my mind on something else, something more productive, but I can’t. Maybe its everything else that is going on at the moment, maybe its just the loneliness finally getting to me. Or perhaps I am at last feeling the lack of any real intimate relationship and she is merely a misplaced focused for my anxieties?

All she did was phone up and arrange a late pub-lunch between a few of us and here I am at night, alone in my flat, brooding like some lame emo wannabe.

Monday 6^th September

First day of the new tyrannical regime. More emails waited us when we arrived from even higher up, the code of conduct was going to be enforced literally and with immediate effect. I haven’t worked without my iPod on for years, it felt wrong.

A completely hellish day.

Tuesday 7^th September

We have worked our way into the second circle of hell, Dante is sending us postcards!

Wednesday 8^th September

Its infuriating.

I consider myself an intellectual man, and on occasion I would like to think I can be wise. Yet I cannot seem to find a conclusion to these thoughts, no matter what scenario I run, no matter what conversations I think through, I cannot find it within myself to take the risk of the negative outcomes happening. Do I love her that much?

What is worse is that these thoughts are all swirling round again and again because I can’t drown them out at work now!

Friday 10^th September

That work week was hell, what little joy there was has disappeared into the mists of long forgotten mythology. As for our productivity? No change, as we may be doing more but more mistakes have been creeping in.

I think this weekend calls for a quiet weekend in watching the telly and a few rounds on Saturday.

Tuesday 14^th September

The powers that be have relaxed a bit, our flexi-time is still a no show, with a couple of exceptions for the child bound few, but we are again allowed “personal music playing devices with appropriate headphone devices”.

This whole diary thing isn’t really working, my life is a bit too dull, too mundane. I need Baron Münchhausen as a friend, THEN I’d have a full and interesting diary… if I survived the experience.

Wednesday 15^th September

Met up with friends for a coffee, she was there, I found myself trying not to look at her when she was looking at me, as if I somehow locked eyes with her should would be able to read my soul!

What is happening to me! Its like I have become a pre-pubescent school boy again, staring forlornly at the girl across the classroom only to look away when she meets my gaze. I can talk to her though, I can have conversations, share a joke, be a friend, but there is always some part of me aching. Hurting. Just wanting to know or way or the other.

Of course the loudest voice from deep within tells me that it would be a disaster, that our friendship would never recover from me even admitting what I think I feel for her, let alone a rejection. Over and over it breaks my will and ambition but never takes away the feeling that perhaps, maybe, I do have more than just feelings for her.

Friday 17^th September

Its getting annoying, my thoughts in work randomly cycle through, financial data management, her, the weekend, and if you could do one thing, without limit, what would it be, and wither or not it is a sign that something is wrong with you if you find a cartoon character sexy.

My boss actually pulled me in for a meeting today. He had noticed something was up, I was never a stand out employee but he always thought I was stable. I just told him that I had some personal issues that were messing with my head, He offered to listen, I actually thought about it, I really did. Perhaps he could provide some sagely advice.

I said no.

He said the offer remained open but at any rate my work had to improve. Turns out I had sent a grossly incorrect set of data to a client which if they hadn’t noticed would have cost them a few tens of millions. I’ve never had a written warning before, I don’t think I want one again.

Saturday 18^th September

Feel like something that had dragged itself across salt covered broken glass only to find our they’d forgotten something and had to go back.

Never mix your drinks, especially not in the same glass, even if it was for a a hundred quid. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to remember the last few hours of last night, and from what T was saying in his texts today, that is a good thing.

One good thing out of all this is it has galvinised me to do actually do something about my life. All I do is work, drink with my mates at a weekend, and go back to work.

Work, eat, sleep, work, eat, drink, sleep, work, on and on ad infinitum. When I was a kid I had such dreams for myself. I could do anything, be anyone, now look at me a thirty year old working in a dead end job, with nothing to show for his life if I was to suddenly die today.

I always said that when I started earning a decent amount and had paid off my debts I’d at least give to charity, well I haven’t. I wanted to learn a new language, pick up a new hobby, meet new people, but the status-quo and inertia held me back, although if I am honest my own pig headed apathy was also to blame.

God, when I think what I was like when I left uni, if I could have seen this I would have run away in disgust. I hate this life, it stinks and what is worth at the moment, I can’t see any light in that tunnel.

Monday 20^th September

I must have been more than a bit drunk when I wrote last nights entry, then again its honest, and open. Maybe too open, but then again its not as if anyone is really going to see this. It really is just a cathartic process for my own benefit.

Well, one of her friends now knows. I had kept these feelings secret from anyone who may know her just in case but her friend caught me out on a week moment while we were at lunch. It feels good in some ways, but also there is now there fear that even though they promised not to tell that still she will find out.

He said that I should just tell her, our friendship was strong enough to take such an admission, especially one so unsure of its own validity.

Wednesday 22^nd September

Friendship is an important bond, and one I don’t think I take enough time to be thankful for. S phoned me up this evening, he was a mess, I told him to come round. It was a difficult time, I mean we are guys opening up is not a normal thing but tonight S was at a crossroads. He had to let it out, and he chose me to come to.

Its been years since I have seen a grown man cry tears, honest tears, heartfelt tears. Shove your my-team-lost-at-some-sports-event tears. I could tell these were tears he had been building up for years. I want to write what he shared but I can’t that was between S and myself at that time, and that time alone. If he listens to what he said and what we shared then perhaps S could change.

I have known him for years, he has had countless relationships each as hollow and meaningless as the last. No matter the hints, and sometimes direct comments, we all said he never grew up, never changed. I didn’t want to know what had brought on this moment of brokenness, but he told me anyway.

Thursday 23^rd September

I didn’t sleep well last night. Apart from the late night my mind just wouldn’t switch off. I didn’t know what to do about S today, so I left it until the night and dropped a quick text. It took him until a few hours to respond with, “it all ok mate ta:)”, I hope it is.

Bunch of my mates were going out to a film tonight, I didn’t feel like it decided to just stay in a listen to Radiohead. Its amazing how some words can just hit you, and suddenly make sense.

“I jumped in the river and what did I see?
Black-eyed angels swam with me
A moon full of stars and astral cars
All the figures I used to see
All my lovers were there with me
All my past and futures
And we all went to heaven in a little row boat
There was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt “

Friday 24^th September

Those words have haunted me today, every time they came into my head I saw her. During my lunch I started to write a poem, gave up, mainly because she texted me asking me if she wanted to come round to hers on Monday night as she wanted to cook for some select friends. I said yes.

I’m worried, S never showed for work today, and neither T, nor K, have heard from him in a few days. I’ve tried calling him but I don’t get an answer.

Saturday 25^th September

S phoned me this morning, he has taken a few days holiday to go back to his parents and asked me not to tell the others just that he was okay and off somewhere for a days.

The pub felt odd tonight. Probably just me, thinking too much again, probably assigning value to small things which are less than insignificant, but that is what I do well I suppose.

 

Monday 27^th September

I have decided I should tell her. So tonight will be the night, I will ask to speak to her by herself and I will tell her the truth that for the past year, if not more, I have struggling with my feeling for her. Struggling to figure out if my feelings for her were more than just friendship or just misplaced. IF she does not reciprocate then I know it was not meant and it must just be in my head. I can but hope our friendship is strong enough.

 

Thursday 30^th September

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