::@:: Reality of Dreams ::@::

What a day… I had the amazing blessing of attending the wedding of two friends, and what happens, I suddenly get hit by an extreme case of being self conscious combined with my general dislike of being in a crowd of strangers. Managed to suppress it well enough, just didn’t feel great. It kinda bubbled away, mainly kept at bay by being with friends and having a laugh, then at the reception it suddenly came back in vengeance when even after asking not to be photographed I was. Normally that would just irritate me but I would then let it go but all it did was make me feel so self conscious that even being with friends just didn’t help. I pushed on but it just stayed there and when the ceilidh started I just left early, needing to get out.

This annoyed me on the way home. I left early, from a friends wedding! I had given in to my basic flight instinct. I should have just went outside got myself together and stopped being such an idiot and then went back in and enjoyed myself as much as I can at a ceilidh even if its an event that at the best of times I feel very self conscious at. My problem is that when I am being overly self conscious that tends to mean I am aware of my size (in every dimension), my general awkwardness around people (which is amplified when I have to hug/dance/etc), the (apparently) different way that my mind/humour/etc works, it all just cascades until I feel completely alienated even if I am with friends, basically I can just feel very disconnected.

This doesn’t happen often (certainly not to such a massive degree), I have learnt to live and accept who I am… most of the time. I am just furious today was a day when despite myself I couldn’t. I just hope I did not detract from my other friends who were attending enjoyment of the day.

I have tried to analyse why today, and I can pinpoint key things which separately are never usually a problem and thing I can easily deal with but since I hadn’t really thought it wasn’t prepared for. I turn 30 in just over a month, and I am not where I wanted to be, either in my work life, spiritual life, and most definitely not my romantic life (which really should just be pronounced dead). As previously mentioned I don’t really like crowds of people I don’t know, and in particular walking into a place full of them. Then there was that whole photograph issue (which I didn’t handle well at all), I hate having my photo taken as I in general don’t have much of a great opinion of the way I look, especially not when I am feeling down. Also I was very drained after this last week, although to be honest I really don’t know why.

So, yeah, if you were at the wedding and wondered what was up, that is basically it and I’m sorry I wasn’t more like my normal (well abnormal) self.

Either way, don’t get all worried about this post, this is just another in a long line (REALLY long line) of me needing to write down things so I can get them sorted in my head (it gets messy from time to time), especially since I have devotions to prepare for tomorrow evening and I still haven’t been able to focus enough to make them… oh and I think my ipod has at long last given up the ghost (its nearly 4 years old)… trust me that is devastating to me.

On the positive side (yes there is one, there always is, that is one truth I have learned in life), the wedding went well, the bride and groom (who are amazing people by the way) were simply glowing with joy and love. The food was good, I made a mistake and thusly didn’t get as much as I would have liked (stupid me), and it sounded like the band for the ceilidh was going to be a good one. It was also funny to see the staff being a bit puzzled why most of my table were refusing alcohol, ah the joys of being in The Sally Army

Oh, and on a complete tangent I got confirmation about Roots and have even now received the staff pack, which made me happy.

I better go, this post is probably going to be one I regret writing in a day or so, especially since as usual I am now feeling better for writing this all out

Laters